There are certain things in life you wish you could change: your face, your eyes, your legs. For me, it was always how BIG I am. For an Asian, I am considered the opposite of petite, and it has kept be obsessed since I started getting conscious about my body. Adolescence was not a period in my life I wish to remember. The envy you feel when someone walks past you, so sexy, so curvy. I have big fat arms with a upper extremities too big for my lower extremities. In short, I was chubby.
My friends have always been supportive. They know what to say to make me feel better about my weight. Surrounded with size 2 pretty Filipino-Chinese girlfriends and equally fit boys, I was always the odd one. As little boys were prone to do, they gave my life hell: made me feel fatter, more ashamed of myself. As we hit 20s, these boys turned out to be the most important friends in my life. Sure, sometimes I’d like to hit them for saying mean things to me when we were growing up… but forgiveness eventually won.
Most days, it is me who give myself a hard time. It is me who tell myself I’m fat. It is me who convince my head to start binge eating and throwing up. It is also me who torture myself with 4 hours in the gym every day. I was my own worst enemy, and I couldn’t help it. The low self-esteem took its toll when I finally became bulimic and everyone started worrying how thin I was. Of course, when I started to recover and be myself, my eating habits returned and I gained weight. Continue reading